Self Empowered Woman

How do you react if your spouse announces “I want a divorce” or something similar? With shock? Surprise? Outrage?

If these are your reactions, you’ve got plenty of company. Thousands of spouses each year have this same experience. Many surprised partners in this situation begin to grill their unhappy mate with questions like “What in the #%& do you mean you want a divorce? After all I’ve done for you!”

Unfortunately, this approach doesn’t make the dissatisfied spouse change her (or his) mind. If anything, it makes them dig in their heels.

The key to keeping your marriage begins with a simple but misunderstood word: Acceptance.

What is acceptance? It means respecting and accepting your spouse’s point of view, even when you don’t fully understand it.

To help you understand how acceptance is important in stopping your divorce, let me share a story with you.

There was a tennis player on a college team whose coach had told her that her serve needed practice. But she refused to accept and act on the coach’s feedback. Again, her coach implored her to work on her technique after she spiraled into a losing streak.

Clearly, her career on the court would be short-lived unless she took her coach’s advice to heart. Finally after losing another match to an archrival in a tournament, the coach issued an ultimatum. The player would either have to do what it took to improve or leave the team.

This athlete finally came to accept what her problem was – poor technique on her serves. Before that, she’d been unwilling to do the necessary work to enhance her performance. But once she had accepted the situation as it was, she was able to move forward and improve her game.

A marriage is much the same way. Sometimes one partner may ignore or minimize the feedback from the other for a time. This time may often stretch into years. And the frustration builds like pressure in a pressure cooker. Until finally a limit is passed and an ultimatum is issued. The offending spouse must change behavior or else the frustrated partner will leave the marriage.

At this point, a history of dissatisfaction has built up on the side of the spouse threatening to leave. Whether the surprised partner considers the reasons given to be valid or not doesn’t alter the fact that the unhappiness exists.

The first thing you must do is accept the situation as a given. Acknowledge your spouse’s unhappiness. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with your mate’s reasons. Nor does it necessarily mean accepting your partner at her word if she says that she’s leaving.

It does mean that you need to accept the fact that your spouse is unhappy and has been unhappy for some time. If you can buy this description as fitting your situation, you’ve just made a positive step forward. Because you have to understand the dynamics of your present relationship before you can improve it.

It means that emotional communication between you and your spouse has been faulty and she (or he) believes that you haven’t been meeting some of her basic needs. It means you need to accept your spouse’s discontent if you want to positively influence the disastrous turn your marriage is taking.

Don’t worry if you disagree with the reasons she gives you for being unhappy.

Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of arguing or telling her she’s wrong. Why? Because her perception is her reality and is the basis for her feelings and the decisions she makes.

So your first job is to understand and accept your spouse’s perception of your relationship. Only then can you do something constructive to save your marriage.

Lee Hefner is the co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This e-book is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com. You can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you save your marriage.

Discover Proven Methods to Getting Your Marriage Back On Track - EVEN if You are the Only One Who Wants to Work on It!!
 

Most people are a bit “shell shocked” and anxious after a divorce. Good judgement often is lacking during this time. Learn 5 simple principles to remember so that you can come out of your divorce as a happy, healthy person. Refer to these simple principles when you feel shaky about your future or are rushing headlong into bad decisions.

PRINCIPLE NUMBER ONE: YOU ARE ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER AND NOT TOTALLY RATIONAL

Even in the “best” divorce or when you are “glad” to be rid of one another you are unbalanced at this time. If possible, make as few important decisions at this time. Seek the wise counsel of friends who love you and are strong.

This is NOT the time to: move across the country; have unprotected sex with an attractive stranger; damage your ex’s property; change your kids school; go into great debt; or marry someone else.

PRINCIPLE NUMBER TWO: COMMIT TO GIVING YOUR CHILDREN & TEENS THE BEST OPPORTUNITIES

This means that you and your ex keep them out of the middle. Do NOT rage at or about your ex. Communicate your adult feelings to your friends, NOT your children. Do NOT change schools if possible. Put aside money for their college, if that was the plan when you had them. STAY in the same city, if possible. Long distance parenting is about as effective as long distance love. It works for a short time, but the relationship is stunted and is never “real” when there is great distance.

PRINCIPLE NUMBER THREE: TAKE THIS TIME TO GROW AND KNOW YOURSELF

Well meaning friends will often try to fix you up with someone. That’s fine if you want companionship and friendship. One of the best ways to use your time immediately post divorce is to get to know who you are when you’re NOT part of a couple.

What parts of yourself did you give up when you became a couple? Are there any new interests that you want to explore now that you are single? Use this time to discover & grow.

PRINCIPLE NUMBER FOUR: USE THIS TIME TO REBUILD FINANCIALLY

If you are the partner who earned a lot of money and you have children, provide adequate financial assistance so your children don’t suffer during their growing up years. This is NOT a matter of your ex “winning.” It’s ensuring a legacy of your children being the best they can be. You want your children to have the advantages they would have if you both stayed together.

If you are the one who has not earned as much, then get your act together. Do NOT jump into a relationship for financial reasons. Grow up, re-train, work, invest and get smart about money. You will feel more powerful and deserving when you can take care of yourself.

PRINCIPLE NUMBER FIVE: TAKE NEW RELATIONSHIPS SLOWLY!!!

When you date keep it light. Do NOT introduce your children and teens to all your boyfriends & girlfriends. When you feel more seriously toward someone, introduce them to your children/teens in small doses.

Don’t expect your children to love someone new, just because you do. All relationships take time. You are dead wrong to expect young people to like your new someone right away. Be certain you spend time with your children alone. Do NOT always include the new person.

What messages or values are you modeling in your dating behavior? If your kids witness a version of “Dad or Mom Gone Wild” or if you have a live in partner; what message/values are you giving your children? Children/teens listen and learn about relationships by YOUR example. If you value one thing, yet behave another way, your children will learn more by your example then your words.

Copyright 2007, Iris Fanning. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. www.irisfanning.com Reprint Rights: You may reprint this article as long as you leave all of the links active, do not edit the article in any way and give author name credit.

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Is Your Relationship Over?    “Learn How To Get Over It…  And Get On With Your Life”
 

I hesitated to write about this but I figured it is all part of my healing and hopefully yours too.  It is the reason why I started this site.  In sharing our pains, we become and feel just slightly better.

This time last year I was at a major crossroad of my life.  My marriage stood on a flimsy line and I was “few inches away from asking a divorce”  as I put it to my spouse.  It was a long long drawn war on ego and eventual breakdown of communication.   Nothing spectacular, these things happen everyday to millions of couple, all over the globe. 

Valentine’ Day is typically a Western culture and because of that it is something that my society does not promote or celebrate.   When we were still dating, Valentine’s Day was special to us, he would bring me flowers.  He would bring me flowers on any occassion.   Like most marriages, these things stop happening.  After 12 years of marriage, communication was the hardest thing between us.   

Last Valentine changed it for us.   It came without any fanfare or expectations.  We were on the brink of break-up. I was past being sad about the upcoming Valentine’s Day.  I accepted and knew whatever happened in the future, it could only be better for me and my child.  I accepted it and let go.  My husband’s ego was immeasurably huge.  If he did something that seemed to weaken his manliness, it would be a phenomenal act for him.    I accepted it.

That night when I reached home late, the house was dark.  My kid was not yet home from the babysitter’s.  Then I saw a stalk of rose on the bed.  Lying quietly as though pleading to be forgiven and loved.  Quiet and dignified.  I knew my child would not suffer a broken home after all.  That small act of unspoken love moved mountains. I decided to look at this positively.

So celebrate your Valentine’s Day with greater meaning and purpose.   Make an effort to ask for forgiveness and to forgive yourself. 

It is not a day to glorify the Christian martyrs named Valentine. 

It is to glorify our spirit and soul, from where love is seated and originated.

Here’s food for thought:

“Love is not blind - It sees more and not less,
but because it sees more it is willing to see less.”

- Will Moss -  

Happy Valentine’s Day!

After Divorce: Seven Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion
By: Joanie Winberg

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person’s life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as “super” moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Take a deep breath and let’s start to rediscover our true passions and say…Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1. Treasure Your Gifts Within
Realizing we are all born as “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

2. Give Yourself A Break
During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. Barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work a few minutes early so you can stop to sit on a park bench long enough to get that sense of the unique and special YOU. Take this time to experience life even for only 10 minutes without feeling like a wife, mother, sister or daughter… simply you!

Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it’s O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3. No regrets! No bitterness!
Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself…are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go!

A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing.”

4. Enjoy the Little Things
Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life.

So how do we live in the present?

If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you.

To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5. What Makes Your Heart Sing?
What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood; Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own?

When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6. What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?
Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to sit still and quiet until you understand what emotions you are feeling. Realize that your feelings and sensations are okay, then learn to listen to what your mind and body are telling you.

Here is a great tip…recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy.

A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy?

First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number one and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy.

Now, to amp up this high energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high energy feeling and begin to feel great! Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort!

7. Be True To Yourself
During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to or have to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun!

Divorce is not easy or fun and you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the “gold nugget” you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. “You are truly free!”

Article by:
As a speaker, a Relationship Coach, a Human Behavior Consultant and a Certified Laughter Coach, Joanie Winberg presents fun-filled experiences that provide a life-long impact. Her guidance and insights enhance understanding in oneself as well as others, plus using her laser focused how-to tips are easy and can be implemented into your life…immediately! For more information, go to www.happywednesday.com.