Self Empowered Woman

 

June 27, 2007

Why We Get Angry and How To Control Anger

Filed under: Anger Management — Kakak Neng @ 10:33 am
Anger is an emotional distress which must be checked and not allowed to grow into a mighty rage. People have died from the anger of country or group leaders through creation of wars or through acts of terrorism. Marital abuse, child abuse and street fights are some of the effects of anger that have gone out of control.Usually a person gets angry not out of choice but out of provocation. The challenge here is to disallow provocation to influence our emotion and make us do things that we regret later. If we have a problem in managing our anger, we must learn to control it before it controls us.

What causes anger? Let us identify the triggers before we get to how to control it. When we understand where it is coming from, we will recognize and curb the symptoms.

* Frustration due to obstacles to what we desire or need.

* Pain and discomfort

* Our angry childhood environment

* Personal insult

* Huge ego

How do we control our anger? We cannot control how and when we get angry but we can control and choose what we want to do with our anger. If we know that we fly off the handle easily, there are ways that we can do to manage it.

Expressing anger is not necessarily unhealthy, as long as it is constructive and serves as a warning. When an anger is suppressed over a long period of time, there is a possibility of greater damage when that anger is released eventually. In the society that we live in it is expected of us to suppress or repress our anger so be mindful when you choose to keep something within, you either overcome by forgiving or you let your feelings known calmly.

We can choose to walk away from a volatile situation to give ourselves time to recover and reflect. You will begin to see things in different perspective when you have time to cool off. Why sweat it and use up a lot of energy in this already stressful world?

Go drink a glass of water, as water has healing properties. Go lie down somewhere else and stop focusing on the negative scenario. Stop giving energy to the anger. In some religious belief, anger is the devil itself. It sits right on top of your head and spur you on. Do not give permission for your anger to breed.

To forgive is to forget and it still holds true. It’s a simple yet powerful way to release the toxic from your system. Say out loud that no one has the right to offend you without your permission. When you forgive someone, you forgive yourself too.

Try to look at it with a sense of humour. Laughter is indeed the best medicine. Another way is through meditation where you seek peace, clarity and selfempowerment. Or you can release anger by exercising or brisk walking.

Do a self-evaluation and establish what situation makes you angry? If ego is always the cause of you anger, then deal with your ego. Wanting to be right always does not give you the right to be angry. However if you feel it is beyond you to overcome your anger by yourself, get professional help.

There is no issue of shame if what you are doing will help yourself and the people around you.

Anger control is possible once you decide you want to control it and not let it control you. Walk away, reflect, laugh and forgive. If it gets too hard, seek help through medication or alternative healing.

 

January 20, 2007

I’m So Mad, I’m Going to Explode!

Filed under: Anger Management — Kakak Neng @ 1:58 am

By Elaine Hamilton 

Since becoming a mother over 4 years ago, I have slowly gone from ‘Average Drama Queen whose World Revolves Around Her’ to ‘Raving Lunatic Mum Who Shouts Too Much and Hyperventilates’.

I can see that my previous life of highly strung self-absorption was not going to be the best precursor to ‘Earth Mother’ but neither was I prepared to enter into the concept that I might actually end up on one of those ‘Parenting Nightmare’ reality TV shows popping up all over the place. Yet here I am, writing about Anger Management, and speaking from painful (and as yet not fully resolved) experience.

So, here’s my take on Anger management and different ways of looking at the monster within….

1. Anger is just a symptom of a bigger problem, it is not the problem itself - and neither is the thing you’re getting upset about. So give yourself some slack and next time you blow your top try to step back and remember that there’s another issue going on under all this that is making you steam.

2. When you get angry its a sign that something is not right, either you feel taken advantage of, or you feel suppressed, or you feel out of control, or or or. But as a sign, this is a USEFUL thing, not something to shy away from. Its OK to acknowledge anger as a sign that something is up, you just don’t have to then go forwards with it and smash up the crockery.

3. Once you see anger as the sign or a symptom and not the enemy, then you can start digging for the real root cause. This has a lot of power. Instead of letting anger take you on its ride you can stop short and say ‘hey, I’m feeling angry, what’s up with that?’ I know, sounds lame - but it works!

Here’s a classic example, sleep depravation. My kids don’t sleep – in fact I can count the number of full night’s undisturbed sleep I have had in the past 4 years on one hand, I’m sure many of you can relate. When I have had a particularly bad run of sleep depravation I wake up grumpy and I just know my day is going to suck. And so it does.

Now, if I have my wits about me, I can alarm bell myself and think “Ah, you’re just crabby because you are overtired. It’s not your fault and it’s not your children’s fault, it just is. And it will be better tomorrow”. It’s amazing how well it works. YES I still get cranky and have a short fuse, but I actually tell my kids this (they are only 4 and 2 but they get it), I even go so far as to say “Sorry if I’m a bit cranky and snappy today, I’m just tired”. Now, I’m sure some expert or other will tell me I’m doing a terrible thing, but to me and my kids I am outlining the real root cause of my anger – sleep depravation – and keeping watch that I don’t damage my relationship with my kids by making it their fault.

Understanding that the feeling of anger is simply an alarm bell for something else has helped me enormously, and it also helps me to disperse it. Watch your children for great examples of this! Last week we were away for a family holiday with another family with kids – by day 3 all the kids were screaming and fighting and hitting, utter chaos! I separated my eldest and we went for quiet time, whilst colouring I asked her to explain to me more about her aggressive feelings and why they were coming up. She said simply “I’m getting too excited”, when I asked her what she needed me to do to help her to calm down, she said “I’d like you to play with me by myself” I understood her to mean she needed some quiet one on one attention, she needed for things to slow down, and she needed a quieter environment. When all her needs were met, she calmed right back down and the fighting stopped.

When is the last time you really looked at your own unmet needs? Whether it’s more sleep, more quiet time, slowing down, asking for help – your anger is a symptom that somewhere your needs are not being met. Instead of taking it out on the children, your spouse, the pillow, why not say ’thank you for the warning!’ and get your needs met instead!

Elaine Hamilton, Life Coach and Reiki Master Teacher, has been teaching and speaking internationally since 1995 helping thousands of people through her workshops and personal consultations.

Elaine is founder of http://www.Wahara.com, the first global community of specialist Coaches blogging and sharing their expertise online. Visit Wahara and download the incredible free etips ‘Key Success Factors – the top contributors to success’ including tips and secrets from our specialist Coaches. Find out what our expert Coaches tell their clients all in one great Esource! Or simply email wahara@aweber.com to be automatically enrolled.